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Staggering Awesomeness....

Jul. 24th, 2013 | 02:23 am
location: Terralar
mood: artisticartistic

This: Ableton.com: Free Racks From PerforModule

=D
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Patra gif

Apr. 30th, 2012 | 10:16 pm

Patra gif. That is all.

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Floating There.

Sep. 6th, 2011 | 09:43 am

Today i am supposed to "Write for 5 minutes about 1 thing that's stressing you, so you can think about it more clearly."
Ok, so what is stressing me out? Stress. [9:04]
My own inability to not give in to anger sometimes. My inability to smoothly flow sometimes. My inability to not react to "lower level" emotions, thereby reducing myself to their same level, at times. This sounds like multiple things but i think it's all the same root cause. Lack of patience? Lack of faith? (by this i mean actual faith, not its ugly twisted step-sister, hope). I am actually more encouraged by my self-awareness of this tendency than alarmed by it, for i feel, not like the frequency of the occurrences hath increased, but that only the perception thereof has. I slowly, slowly become more aware of my self and more detached, poised, rational, mature, sane, and yet gloriously, creatively evocative at the same time. Being detached does not mean being unaware - quite the contrary, in fact - it means seeing all disparate systems in relation together and therefore provides a more accurate overall viewpoint.
My 5 minutes are up and i went on a tangent. Go figure.
I've also been a bit frustrated by my own stress in regards to shows; preparing for them. I'm finally at the point where i am using the same things i've already programmed instead of re-doing everything from the ground up every time. Certain quality things stick around and are retained, Adapted, expanded, refined, sure, definitely. I need to get to the point inside myself where i do not stress about shows, but just prepare for them. I can satisfy two birds with one resource if i remember how disappointing the turnout at my shows is, and the fact that i rarely get paid to play. Then, it's like "no one showed up and i fumbled half the things i tried to do.... ok, so what? Big deal."
Why am i infatuated with you now? Is it really as simple as you hit on me? Am i that shallow? No... it's not that i'm that shallow...  i've been hit on and not interested in return plenty of times. i've always been interested in you, intrigued by your mind since we first hooked up. But the fact that you displayed some measure of interest in me means that there is a possibility of mutual interaction. It's merely a matter of time management / practicality. I have very very little free time so i prefer to be quite picky about when i spend it + i'm currently kinda most definitely looking for some side romance fixation (feeeeeling it in the air yo) = me obsessing over you just a tad. I'm just trying to not go overboard with it and remain sane and grounded for my own sake, considering how affronted by the cold shoulder i was previously. If i get too excited about this flirtation and nothing sexual comes of it that might lead to undesirable feelings which i would prefer to avoid in the interest of friendship-retainment, etc [9:34]. The oddest thing about it tho is the non-sexual aspects. I've wanted to fuck you pretty much the whole time, but i realized the other day how really, really similar we are, and in how many unique ways that we connect. I realized before too but i guess i still didn't take it that seriously because you were in a committed monogamous relationship and that is a can of worms i avoid. So i didn't even let my heart go there. Love is funny in that you don't decide when to do it - you just realize that it's there, floating. Like a fog.
Hi.

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The best way to live life is in a state of constant gratitude for everything.

Sep. 2nd, 2011 | 07:40 am

Wondering about the correlation between infinite density of the void and dividing a number by zero to equal infinity.

~`~ (time separator)

Now i am writing again. If i jotted my randomnesses down here more consistently i think i'd have a mighty swell bloggity blog thinger.

`~`

I am checking out my $4 $60 keyboard (one of those ergonomic ones with the split keyboard. I think this thing will help me type better, without looking at my hands so much. More at first as i get used to it but my hope is that it forces me to remember finger positions better.
This keyboard has a bunch of "hot" keys that are assignable – very nifty. i like the "save" button. *Clicks save button.*
Today i must accomplish some epic house-cleaning.
http://www.microsoft.com/hardware/en-us/p/natural-ergonomic-keyboard-4000/B2M-00012#support

I also acquired a TI-83 graphing calculator – the exact model i had previously. I am SO going to program an RPG on there, incorporating the element ideas i've been brainstorming. I might as well outline those here in case i lose my paper notes. If you steal my ideas and make a famous game, put some hidden easter egg reference to me in it.                

_____________________________
FORM_ Every attack has a form.
Form = Solid, Liquid, Gaseous, Astral, or the hybrid element/form Plasma.

ELEMENT_ Not every attack has an element! An attack either has no element, or an element. Each element has a different home form, but can be included in attacks of any form, with the exception of Plasma, attacks of which are always in Plasma form.
Element can = Electric, Water, Fire, Organic, or the hybrid element/form Plasma.
The hybrid element Plasma is obtained by mixing Electric and Fire, or by mixing Water and Organic. Any other mixtures of elements cancel out; the element with the weakness to the other giving way. (i.e. trying to combine a water and fire element will leave with only water, as it "defeats" the fire)
 
Element_      Strong vs_      Weak vs_      Home Form_

Electric         water               organic          Astral
Water           fire                  electric          Liquid
Fire              planet               water            Gaseous
Organic        electric             fire                Solid
Plasma            -                      -                 Plasma   (plasma is basically separate from everything else; the "other")

TYPES_ Optional. An attack can have any number of types. Sometimes mixed types are chosen randomly per attack rather than all applying in parallel (i.e. a halberd may be blade, pierce, or crush depending on which part of the weapon impacts the target).
Types are open-ended, not integral like elements and forms, so new types can be created without too much fuss.
Some example types = Blade, Crush, Pierce, Dark, Mind. Just try to avoid making a type that is already covered by an element, form, or a pre-existing type.
____

~`~

i am supposed to "Identify a problem that has been worrying me, then write it down and brainstorm 2 solutions."
Ok, problem: i feel disconnected from people at this moment in time.
Solution 1: worry less about connecting with other people and find contentment in my own actions.
Solution 2: seek out more interactions with people instead of shunning them so much.

is it time to post this blog yet? No... i want to ramble some more. I know that that will probably alienate many readers but after all i am writing this for me; for the catharsis of the ink-drip. Or in this case, pixel-drip.

`~`

"The best way to live life is in a state of constant gratitude for everything." - me

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massage my brain please

Aug. 6th, 2011 | 10:07 am

This kid has more people at his second birthday party than i've ever had at any birthday party for myself ever. I'm not sure how i feel about this. Too many people. I am not feeling social. I don't like hanging around people who i don't feel comfortable being myself around. It all seems so fake and overbloated. Too boot, i am tired. i like writing these things and wonder if anyone will ever read them. All these people come to two-year-old's birthday party who does not care about the hullabuloo. Meanwhile my last show had exactly zero attendees other than random passersby. Of course, that's how things seem to roll in M's life – graduation and stuff – tons and tons of enthusiasm oozing in from all corners. My family & "friend" support system has always been pretty much nil, comparatively. Two times i set up a birthday party for myself and a whole bunch of people said they'd swing by – and nobody did. Except Micah and Julia drove down to Edgewood from Santa Fe; proving (micah at least) to be true friend. We had gone to sleep; good thing we heard the door!

_ _ _ so, i ended up napping for like an hour after writing that and then getting over my humbuggeriness and going and hanging out at the birthday gathering. And it was fun.

 

Exercise is a great remedy for miasma. I don't get bored in the sense that i can't find anything entertaining to do, but i do get restless in the sense that i can't figure out what it is that i want to do.

When that happens, and i begin to feel agitated inside, one would think that accomplishing a task would make me feel useful and thus allay the feeling – but no – it does not. That's the paradox of those mindstates – i seem to not feel able to "lock into" anything; i feel as if i am not committing to what i am doing due to the agitated feeling, and i don't like doing things feeling like i'm not putting my full awareness into it, for that is when hidden mistakes can creep in – hidden mistakes which might cost more cost than the benefit reaped by the time spent on the action, thus reducing to virtually none my inclination to allocate energy in such a thus potentially anti-efficient manner.

[If that sentence made sense to you - major props! i'm not sure how it squeezed itself out...]

i do wish i could set the "default font" of scribefire (my blog editor) to book antiqua. i do. i gotsta have them serifs! Even tho some of the blogs this shoots off to use their own font anyways! What a bitch! Who wants to see everything everywhere online written in the same font all the time? If you even hit the right arrow key, it sets my font back to their choice of default. I'm not even sure what font it is, as it doesn't seem to say. Is it Arial? Arial sucks. No offense to those of you who like it. Which brings me around to another point. No offense to anyone, ever, at any time. Let me categorically state that i never ever ever intend to offend anybody anywhere ever. i say outrageous things for humorous effect. If it's not funny, then i am just doing it to let off steam or gripe, or perhaps to hear the sound of my own voice. Whatever the reason, let me assure you that the reason is never to hurt you. Mmmmmkay?

Finding out who take things tooooo seriously is probably a good thing to do, to remove them from likelihood of much interaction with my self, for their sake and mine. For their sake, because then i won't offend them or hurt their feelings; for my sake, so that i don't waste time.

i love life. i love everything. it's so crazy neat. life is only numb when we only see a sliver. it's fucking amazing to me that EVERYTHING i imagine, think of, and experience, EXISTS! What a varied, complex, fascinating, cohesive, crazy, beautiful world! By "world" i mean "universe". A planet is just a sphere. A world is your dimension; your realm; your adventure. All the worlds i touch and see are a part of my world. What a crazy-insane gift! An entire world of my own! And guess what? We each have one! Wow, thanks, whomever; whatever bestowed this! Grooovy.

Letting go letting go letting go letting go. Every day learning to let go of a little bit more ego. {i i, me me, mine} is a wonderfully engaging blind.

 

Which is more value? To fail, and to remove evidence of the failure? or to fail, and leave the evidence up?

i think either tactic can be a meta-fail or -win, depending on the intent.

To fail and to remove evidence as an acknowledgement of the result, is a meta-win. To fail and remove evidence out of shame is a meta-fail.

To fail and to leave the evidence up as a testament to integrity, is a meta-win. To fail and leave the evidence up as a denial is a meta-fail.

 

Self: Let go of the annoyance of people not responding to messages. I've done it to them plenty. You never know when it could be a technological glitch, too. Even if they are being an ass, so what? Is it worth letting yourself get upset about? Hell no.

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Holding on thwarts the self!

Jun. 30th, 2011 | 05:50 pm

Binary feedback loop: I (individualized perception point) contrasted by universe ("all at-large").

"i"  <––––––> "universe"

We exist as "i" (separate – unique, disattached, independent, solo) because we do not exist as "universe" [by definition, we are separated from "allness"]

Perhaps we lose perception / memory of certain things immediately after they occur, especially intense epiphanic moments of insight, because we "give" it to universe; and then, "by definition", universe has it and so we do not, because we are the binary contrast to universe. Universe; i. Yin; yang, black; white, etc. Root Duality?

I'm always trying to find that damn Root Duality. This is as close as i've come. There may of course be many different core "fun*the*mental" dualities.

i; universe.

 

_me speaking to universe_

i give to you [feedback loop]

if i hold on too much, if i refuse to allow; you no get, you no process, you no learn

when i give gracefully to you, when i let go with elegance; you get, you process, you learn

then, later....

i get reprocessed feedback, bounced back and amplified by infinitude.

and verse vica

y vice versa

Same reason to not overly analyze sacred moments immediately after they occur. Give universe time to do what it will with it.

If it is indeed true that black wholes exist at the center of all bodies, all atoms, all things, then this is merely the portal to "universe". This is how we can automatically, always, no matter what, access universal wisdom from the depths of time. Absolutely nothing can sever this connection to these gateways to infinity inside every minute speck, fractally replicated bogglingly into matter itself, energy itself – except for the belief in the lack of this ability of the self to be able to connect to this. There is literally nothing that can actually block this connection; therefore, we all have a calm center to access at any time. All you have to do is visualize it. Things pop up out of nothingness all the time; who are these overly logistical faux scientist mainstream babblers kidding? The change that is coming is nothing short of a complete reshaping of the way that we understand the nature of existence itself.

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patriotism

Jun. 26th, 2011 | 05:26 am
mood: mellowmellow

http://posting.csindy.com/colorado/Survey?survey=2241308

Vote for me in the best local DJ category... if you want to.

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e loose ih dayt

Jun. 24th, 2011 | 10:42 am
mood: chipperchipper

i saw god in a vision and it was a flaming eyeball that sees everything – kinda like the Eye of Sauron. Only it was radiating calm wisdom and love rather than hatred and dominance. Perhaps the Eye of Sauron was a perverted doppleganger wannabe emulation of god. The "perverted doppleganger wannabe emulation of god" metaphor could be applied to a lot of things in modern culture. You could even apply it to technology as a whole, in the vein of the golden triforce of power / Legend of Zelda metaphor as well. Electrical energy is the thought-essence of god. It is the source of all light and life, yet it can be used to inflict pain and turmoil as well. Such is the double-edged nature of all power, and the origin of responsibility, honor, and sacredness. If energy was only warm and nice, we would never learn the tough lessons needed to mold us into the complex, multi-faceted creations capable of traveling on the roads of exquisite experientality we all are.

i don't think that god is wrathful at the core - i think that's just a facet, like so manner things. god at the core is a wise, grinning trixter. after all, loki / satan was merely another of his toys. that's why i don't capitalise her name. it doesn't give a fuck about the things we completely transcend

[Stay on "book antiqua", font! Do it!]

[i guess the secret is to always use spaces instead of arrow keys to move around]

One day computers will actually be smart; in the sense that they will be able to independently adapt and respond to changing external stimuli in a cohesive and practical manner. Not there yet. Probably won't be for awhile. The good thing is that once a computer surpasses our intellect, it will begin making better decisions than us (we don't have the greatest track record thus-far). The kicker will be whether or not what's best for *all* is what we think is best for *us* (or want to be).

Crushin', but not rushin'. It feels pretty awesome to have this attraction floating around that does not feel unrequieted. Generally, i get very impractical crushes based upon zero to few slivers of the probablitiy of actualization with individuals who have about as much genuine interest in my internal being as a passing speck of dust, and this is the first in a long bit that seems mutual to an intriguing degree. Like, you know, that slightly giddy feeling? Another cool thing is that i began developing a mundane friendship and appreciation for this person's intellect and creativity before any romanticky or physical thoughts began to crop up, thus reducing the likelihood of me inflating my perceptual projection due to unrealistic intrigue, something i am occasionally often guilty of. It seems much more rational for me to focus on an interaction that would not be so ephemeral; something satiating on a level beyond simple restlessness-reaction.

It is always best to expect nothing, and just experience every moment in its divine perfection as it flows.What else is love, if not that experience of heightened, scintillating energy flowing with ease; unstoppable, even? To focus on something that is not, is to darken the now into a pained "no". Say "yes" to Universe, even its dark tentacles. Explore the minutae of the subtle shades!

i have been better about stretching and exercising lately, but not better about getting sun. 'twould be good to go on a hike today. i need to bake something too. The question is: What? Cookies? Something Else?

....

i just found out that i am one of the nominations for "best local DJ" in the local progressive rag, "the independent". Rock! Totally unexpected, and feels good on my ego. Hey, you can't avoid some ego. i think that the key is balance: healthy ego. Not too small, not too large. Too small of an ego leads to no confidence, which is not useful. We all know the crazy places too much ego can lead to. Balance! If that sine wave stopped floating, vital functions would cease – the key instead is to keep evenly spiraling around that central axis in a smooth curve. What appears as up-and-down motion is really a smooth curve when you expand up 1 dimensional layer. Likewise, if you flatten down 1 dimensional layer, a smooth cuve can become a nauseating up-and-down.

....

Watched "Chasing Amy" last night. Very good flick! i identified with various aspects of most of the characters. it made me teer up a little bit at the end. i said "teer" to differentiate from "tear" as in "to tear a piece of paper". "tare"?

i like blogging. it's cathartic. i ought to keep this up more regularly. i will of course find it very entertaining years later looking back over all of this, assuming that the internet and of its data are not destroyed or removed from my access completely at some point. At some point along the way i learned how to find joy in simple things, like cleaning. Routine acts feel good, also because they are cathartic. I find joy in progression. Simple things that evolve smoothly but unexpectedly into more complex things. Relationships with people ("relationship" here i mean in the broadest sense possible: anyone one interacts with enough to begin to develop rapport with) i find very enjoyable and exciting to develop. I get off on analyzing my own social progression & those of others, interactions, psychology; all of it. Every friendship one has is a relationship. How is it possible to view life in a bored fashion when there are so many intriguing lines of threaded patterns swirling about, constantly? A little introspection goes soooooo, so far.

The way to avoid despondency is nothing more than the discipline of will. It is truly simply a matter of choosing deliberately to not focus on negative thought-whorls. Eddies of darkness can snatch and grab the pinpoint of "me"-ness with surprising ease, like a sticky spider's web. The only way to escape the web is to realize that the only spider spinning silk is the self, and that that very same self has the abiltiy to craft the antidote to coat the feet with unstickyable grease and thereby escape the web. I fall into my web of despondency here and there. It's always an ego thing: self-esteem. "i'm not good enough". "i'm horrible". "i'm weak". "i'm selfish". "nothing i do works". Any simple, disattached, logical, scientific analysis of any portion of my existence easily disproves any of these disparaging sentiments, but that's the catch about being catched: when in, one loses that clinical objectivity. This is one of those moments when raw faith actually comes into play. I'm not taking about that bullshit believing-in-text; what-they-call-faith. i mean pure faith, as in "i might become obliterated in a second, but i'ma go with it". When we are stuck in that self-imposed web of darkness, we have to have the faith to push forward despite not feeling like it, to utilize grainy chunks of unadulterated willpower from deep within to soldier thru the muck and rip ourselves out of the illusion. Disbelief (e.g. "anti-belief") in the self makes such an act impossible; what is required is the childlike abandon of NO projection; NO expectation; NO desire; and unfiltered acceptance like undeniable water splashing on the face.

"Anti-Belief"

is the same essential act as , and that act is a – AKA "turning off the brain".

This is (within my personal interpretation system at least) differentiated from Faith in extreme ways. Faith is, by definition, non-specific. Belief is, by definition, specific. VERY BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE THERE! So .... it annoys the crap out of me when religious folks completely muddle those two completely different mental acts. I have realized that the more fundamentalist / strict-interpreters are not likely to clear up that confusion anytime soon, so i get over it, but yet still continue to attempt to elucidate the difference to those who might be receptive.

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Always Usually

Jun. 22nd, 2011 | 08:28 am

I usually don't post my blogs the day i write them, even though i tend to write them as a present-tense narration. When browsing the history of my blog-entries based upon dates, bear in mind that the content may have actually been written one-to-many days earlier than is evinced. I'm not sure if i used that word properly there, but it's the one that popped into my mind, so i'm going with it. I've found two improper uses of "it's" on my previous two blogs – for shame, self!! How can you berate others for their apostrophetic discrepancies and yet post distinct errors in multiple places online through a minimal mass of material to proofread? I suppose this like how having a job pushing carts and working a register serves to teach me to have more compassion for my fellow human beings, and not judge them so harshly.

So, the date went well. It went, well, fast! Of course i was a bit nervous heading in but her relaxed demeanor and steady flow of exciting conversation totally dissolved all vestiges of that, post-haste. We mainly just talked about polyamory. i like herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Lore has been getting shit for sleep lately. i'm not sure what i can do other than try to wake up and get cormy when he cries in the middle of the night, but she almost always gets to him first.

We are officially marrified now. Got the certificilationization.

I'm going to try my best to not stress or worry overly about the next DJ show; definitely to not get so deep in that i overdo all the effects-programming and stuff – yet! – work steadily and practically at making it a unique, interesting thing – as usual.

Then after that show i have to work on acoustic-electric set. I still need to find out what time i'm playing that night, and if they'll have a PA....

 

Disattach from the self; rise beyond yourself and realize that i am only riding the story.

....

See, now it's a few days after i started this post. i guess i'll post it now so that i can start the next one. =)

 

 

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yedjuskuL

Jun. 18th, 2011 | 11:27 am

Today i am going to go do gratifying yard work in the sun for several hours.

Tomorrow i am going on a date. Lore is going on a date later, at the same place. =P It just randomly worked out that way! More synchronicity. Not surprising. I'm pretty nervous. It's been a long time since i've been on a date, or even hung out w/ someone who was a possible romantic prospect who actually displayed any degree of mutual attraction. Of course, we have yet to MEET. That's kind-of a key issue. I am pretty good at vibing peoples' personalities, tho, and this individual intuitively seems just swell to me. These are plusses in my mind: interested in / actively poly (kinda a requirement for me); bright personality; super cute; age (i.e. not flighty 20s); in a stable relationship / not looking for a knight; her hubby contacted me independently just to say "hey" and i also get a swell intuitive vibe from him; calm, yet silly; musical; intelligent; intuitive. At the very least, i shall acquire a new real-life friend. =)

 

Saturday i am going to check out my favorite local band CM3 at kinfolks.

 

Sunday Lore and i are going to go to Bishop's Castle, maybe jam on some jamming with Gaia Experiment.

 

Mon Jun 20 - Sunday Jun 26 i am watching Core mostly and working on the set for SDA @ Belle's Lounge.

If people want schedule to work on music or hang out, this would be a good window to attempt to do so within.

 

Mon Jun 27 is the next show.

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(no subject)

Jun. 16th, 2011 | 10:21 am

My tummy has been vaguely hurting all day today.

Me and L are getting married, and not advertising it out to people, because we're not really about all of that hullabaloo.

i think cormarin is going to start crawling soon. i'm teaching him to hold his bottle. he's so cool!

Lore and i both have dates on friday! Funnily, both at the same coffee shop, mine at 10am and hers at 5pm. Both are people we've been chatting with and are going to meet for the first time in person. I'm pretty excited for my date, as she seems really cool; feels like one of those people i'm totally comfortable around autmoatically and don't feel like i need to censor either the more refined or the more crude aspects of myself. I feel that we'll become good friends if nothing else.

Working on tracks for the new album, still, of course.

Playing "lost in shadow". pretty cool game. i like the attention to detail.

Reading "eats, shoots, and leaves." i love it!!!! I'm officially never going to wonder about that final ("oxford") comma before the "and". I'm just gonna stick that motherfucker in there if i feel like it.

 

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wait... i'm on an album that alex grey did the cover art for??

May. 27th, 2011 | 06:38 pm
mood: artisticartistic
music: Stardust Output - Theravada

Wow, a song produced by me (my remix of alterior's song "poppy") is track #3 on a benefit compilation album for THE pioneering chemist Sasha Shulgin (with cover art by THE Alex Grey). My friends phat kid and polychromatic have a track on there too. Michael Garfield who set it up is a very cool guy. All proceeds go to Sasha's medical costs, so you should buy it. 2 cds, 27 artists worth of darn fine music!

L.A.B. Tracks: A Benefit Compilation for Sasha Shulgin

In other news i was served breakfast by a friend (yum!) this smorning and then spent 4 hours giving the earth a back-scratch.
Tags: , ,

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it was not a tragic unbinding

May. 23rd, 2011 | 12:21 pm

Time for a new blog. it's been a while. i decided to do two things today: clean and write. I got extremely sad and disparaging about music last night. Supposed to play as 1/2 of animulo but my audio i/o thing kept crapping out. i was shamed, embarrassed, pissed off, and ultimately depressed due to my internal reactions to the situation. Guess i still have some self-esteem work to do. I guess it's been about the past week or so i have been really depressed followed by blithe - an alternating bipolar sine curve. i am becoming more calmly aware tho overall i would say tho as my initial reaction to the beginning of the cycle was this time not to attribute it to myself, as we humans tend to do, but to more accurately look for external energies that i was possibly emotively keying into. But then, the cycle got so intense that i became lost in it, and lost my demeanor. Now i am on the edge, an interesting place, where i can both feel this dark pit in my stomach of self-loathing but also at the same time realize that that element of my perceptual sphere is only one aspect of many, only given dominance due to will.

Many people may not understand the idea of being in love with more than one person at once, but it is inconceivable for it not to be so for me. The other day i fell in love in an embrace. You know when your heart drops out and you are left tingling like a ethereal porpoise just body-slammed your chakra form? Yeah, that happened. I am completely afraid to apprach this vulnerability for the cynical certitude of my own disappointment and downfall based upon any and all preconceptions that i might form whatsoever in regards to my furthered interaction with this individual. In other words, if i try to "make this into something", to "put a label on it and corrale it into a framework", i shall see my true deeper-knowledge-wisdom-desire, connection far beyond that of any regular paradigm that might be competed with (total elevation beyond a need to be defined at a mundane level), be misplaced for a shortsighted tangent [and thereby lose the scintillating factor which is the whole point.] Really, it's the beginning of a friendship. On a different level. Some people resonate at an alternate frequency where the labels of humanculture have no bearing whatsoever. It's an unspoken, intuitive, spiritual, otherworldy bond. i don't wanna twist that all wacky with weird clutchy emotions. Rather, i'd like it to percolate smoothly, not discordantly, through the other modes of interaction (professional, congenial, etc.)

so that one, there could be so much more to speak. perhaps i shall if it spills out in the flow of tap tap tapping keys.

then there's.... i'm in love with more than that. more than seems realistic, each in a unique manner. i can just get lost in the bliss of thinking about various individuals who i'm totally head-over-heels for. except, you know, in an uberly-controlled, tactful, non-sporadic, sane fashion, which defies the steretype of in-loveness. heh. i don't really talk about it. you all know already. you can feel it i can feel it. there is love there: mutual respect and concern.

 

but see, all this, it's just one half of myself. maybe i was two souls squashed into one. or maybe i just have too much energy. but i feel like 2 people at least. there's ups, downs, and like i initially suspected, i don't think those are really me.

the really me is that smiling buddha, calm, collected, completely in love with everything.

i find joy in tiny things everywhere, such ineffable beauty in the infinite complexity woven with subtlety into everything. The closer you look, the more words and pages in the book. It's like looking at a book where if you look closely enough at an individual letter, you see that the letter itself is a tiny flowing paragraph. Zooming in or out forever. So it's just a radio dial.  The dot of a single "i" is an entire planet, with it's own vast libraries filled with tomes.

so, it's just a radio dial. in, out? no matter? the matter is to MOVE when you are stagnant. Switch to a different position ["frequency dial"]!

my electronic music dj thingy energy - something about it is all wrong now. i think the time for it is over, somewhat sadly. like the sine wave, it shall come back. perhaps it is the energy coloration of the mainstream clutches seeping into the innovative medium, coloring the collective psyche. probably.

feel weak? move. feel sad? move. feel angry? move. feel tense? move

change. try different things. open., smile heart. constant. if it tears me up, don't persue it. too difficult? keep chugging away, like a mule (only way to improve) but don't dive off a cliff and crash burn smash.

 

That one, with the acrid sting of freshness, is more worrying to my psyche and therefore at the momentary forefront, and thus described as introduction, to "get it off the chest", as they say.

but the true forefront of my existence at this zone of timespace i inhabit is this girl who is about to become my wife. i'm not into those labels, but it feels accurate this time, like it did before, and for the same reason, that her view is like mine atypical; superparadigmatic. This is no sugared-frosting cake and bullshit. This is no "thou cannot fuck another". this is no "i want your money, and your soul". this is truly two humans supporting each other, joining forces to maximize efficiency in the wordly affairs of providing for this spectacular tiny human man we spawned a splendid medium of inspirational opportunity upon which to springboard his path on this planet, which has been named many things including Earth, Terra, Gaia, and Urantia.

i love her so deeply it's ridiculous. Every single time i think about her my mind's eye smiles. it's like an infinite-trick pony. it's been what 4 years or something we've been hangin' like this and it has not faded at all - in fact, it has increased in refined pleasurability steadily like a nicely ageing wine. i feel very ashamed for the times when i treat you less than nice which are all too often. Thank you so, so much for your patience, consideration, and uncompromising critical, rational judgment. i don't really think that people shouldn't judge each other and i appreciate your criticisms of various aspects of issues that i have, for you bring to light things about myself i otherwise would not see, and you help me to elucidate & evolve current understandings beyond the degree to which i could minus the refreshing external perspective. i am totally into the life that we have together, and i feel so excited to see what adventures await us ahead!

i've been in love with nova for a long time. she's just so awesomely unique. she reminds me of the little prince, from her own little planet. she seems very familiar to me, like we once were the same soul or something.

 

an attempt at a pome_:

 

As this pseudo-intellectual drivel dribbles from my drip-hole

The Tripping Trick Store unfurls it's curled shelves, delving into the outlandish realms

delving into, delving out; delving, dodging all about; the delving drip-store dribbles a shout

Hey! you lout! Yon pustering Walkabout! Give me this prime grime, crustacean crafty crusted critter. Give me this call to an action far more serious than a crime agaisnt humanity.

No - lo! indeed - behold. My, does this pustering prime walk about my dithering dungeon, drearily drafted as a pennywhistle scheme!

Those delicate drafters, dodging the dark duress of this unenviable investment. Let me caress.... like a water chestnut, the space-fluff.... take the unholy route and clamber within thine own grafted tentacle, strapping the cast and unshuttering the famed fable.

It was not a tragic unbinding.

 

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May. 23rd, 2011 | 05:04 am

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May. 22nd, 2011 | 05:04 am

  • Sat, 12:17: dear facebook: do not ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever recommend nickelbakc to me. Ever.
  • Sat, 16:54: don't ever beilieve anything anybody ever says ever.
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May. 19th, 2011 | 05:20 am

  • Wed, 15:01: sin...repent...sin...repent...sin...repent...sin...repent...sin...repent...sin...repent...yawwwwwn..............
  • Wed, 15:38: sharing..and caring..and staring..and swearing
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May. 15th, 2011 | 05:06 am

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May. 11th, 2011 | 05:05 am

  • Tue, 13:56: had a fun birthday yesterday working on music and hanging out with cormarin
  • Tue, 14:10: real love is free as a bird
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May. 10th, 2011 | 05:04 am

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May. 9th, 2011 | 05:04 am

  • Sun, 14:33: i'm guessing, in descending likelihood of probability, it's either_ a) practical-joking deer that frequent these… http://pi.pe/-2xrae2
  • Sun, 14:33: yesterday morning the car was covered in these little white pock-marks of particles apparently raining down on it.… http://pi.pe/-59i5bh
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May. 8th, 2011 | 05:04 am

  • Sat, 19:37: belief is a sickness
  • Sat, 19:46: anything you say or do online is permanently sucked into the internet brain
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